Is ENM Right For You? 5 Questions to Ask Before Opening Your Relationship
Maybe it started as a passing thought. Maybe it’s a conversation you and your partner have been circling for months.
Curiosity about relationships beyond the traditional “one partner forever” model is normal. But let’s be real—it can also be terrifying. That mixture of excitement ("Could we really do this?") and anxiety ("What if this ruins everything?") is a sign that you are stepping into unfamiliar territory.
If you are asking yourself, “What do I truly want?” you are already doing the brave work. But before you download the apps or set up the dates, we need to slow down.
Approaching Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) requires more than just logistics; it requires knowing why you are here.
First, A Quick "Gut Check" on the Terms
"Non-monogamy" isn't one-size-fits-all. Different structures feel different in your body. Read these through and notice what happens in your stomach—do you feel a sense of expansion and curiosity, or does everything tighten up?
Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM): The big umbrella. The key here is consent. Everyone knows, everyone agrees, and secrets aren't part of the deal.
Polyamory: This is usually about the heart. The focus is on having multiple romantic, emotionally deep connections.
Open Relationships: These often center more on sexual exploration or experiences outside the primary partnership, often with a bit less emotional entanglement.
There is no "right" answer here. Just notice which one (if any) resonates with you.
5 Questions to Check Your Motivation
We often tell clients that ENM is not a life raft for a sinking relationship. It creates more complexity, not less. Before you open up, sit with these five questions honestly:
1. Am I running toward something or away from something? Be gentle but honest with yourself. Are you genuinely curious about expanding your life? Or is this a way to put a band-aid on boredom, a lack of intimacy, or a disconnect in your current partnership? ENM amplifies what is already there—it doesn't fix what's broken.
2. Can I sit with the uncomfortable feelings? We wish we could tell you that if you do this "right," you'll never feel jealous. But the truth is, jealousy, insecurity, and envy will come up. They are part of the human package. Do you have the tools to notice those feelings and self-regulate without lashing out?
3. Am I willing to look in the mirror? Non-monogamy is one of the clearest mirrors you will ever look into. It highlights your attachment style, your fears of abandonment, and your self-worth. It’s a beautiful opportunity for growth, but it requires you to be willing to look at your own "stuff."
4. Is my partner truly on board? If you are currently in a relationship, is this a mutual desire? Or is one person dragging the other along? Pushing a partner into ENM before they are ready (or when they simply don't want it) creates deep relational wounds. Consent has to be enthusiastic, not coerced.
5. What does "wholeness" look like to me? Success isn't about being the "cool girl" who is totally chill with everything. It’s about staying grounded in your own experience. Can you hold onto your sense of self, even when the relationship gets messy?
How to Have the Conversation (Without the Panic)
Talking about this can feel high-stakes. If your heart is racing just thinking about bringing it up, that's okay.
Make it "Pause-Friendly": Agree before you start that either of you can hit the pause button. If you get flooded or overwhelmed, stop. You can come back to it later.
Lead with Vulnerability: Instead of laying out a list of rules, start with your feelings. "I'm feeling curious about this, but I'm also scared of losing you." Vulnerability builds a bridge; demands build a wall.
Find Your "Scaffolding": What needs to stay in place for you to feel safe? Maybe it's a date night that never gets moved. Maybe it's certain boundaries around the home. These aren't limitations; they are the safety net that lets you explore.
You Don't Have to Do This Alone
Even the healthiest ENM relationships hit turbulence. If you feel jealous, you haven't failed—you're just human.
This path isn't a test of how "evolved" you are. It is a journey of conscious choice-making. If navigating these conversations feels too heavy to carry alone, we are here to hold that space with you. We can help you build the emotional safety and communication tools you need to explore this path with confidence.
Begin the conversation with us today HERE.